


Exceeded my Expectations

by goldengan



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sibling Incest, Trans Male Character, Trans Number Five | The Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:21:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengan/pseuds/goldengan
Summary: Klaus’ words lingered, sat and sunk into everyone in the room worse than a bad smell.Did they really...? Does that mean...?“Okay now that I hear itout loudI get why you’re upset.”~Takes place during season one.*Read the Tags!*
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Number Five | The Boy (mentioned), Klaus Hargreeves/Number Five | The Boy (mentioned), Luther Hargreeves/Number Five | The Boy (mentioned)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 92





	Exceeded my Expectations

**Author's Note:**

> This fic references past instances of incest. If that’s is not to your comfort level, then don’t worry. This is just a glorified shit post I thought of while rewatching season one.
> 
> One of the characters is trans in this fic. The term “vagina” is used and only once.
> 
> If you’re okay with all of that? Here’s an idea that wouldn’t leave my mind for days. I kept hearing Klaus say the line in the summary over and over... I lift the curse from myself and pass it on to you.

“You’re joking.” Allison shakes her head, trying her best not to laugh, “There’s no way.”

“What’s the big deal?” It’s a phrase they’ve all heard from Klaus, sure, but hearing it from Luther? It’s a bit jarring, even hungover Klaus looks over from his reclining position on the couch to peer at Luther through his sunglasses. “He agreed to it.”

“That I did,” Five’s looking over the paper, drinking coffee, a strange sight for a boy not but thirteen. But that was his body, not his mind. “Dad said it would help improve morale.” He flipped to a new page in the paper, as if this wasn’t the weirdest thing he’s said since he’s been back, “I find I agree.”

Allison’s stomach dropped. They _weren’t_ kidding. “Five just turned thirteen—“ 

“We all turned thirteen.” Diego corrected her, picking his fingernails with a blade. Luther lifted his hand, indicating to Diego, “Exactly, exactly. He gets it.”

She couldn’t believe none of them were taking this seriously. It wasn’t as if Allison was upset about the toilet seat being left up, something she’d given up on long before her or any of her siblings started puberty, she was addressing something that was... well, there’s no other word for it, “That’s vile.”

They all look up at her with varying degrees of annoyance sprinkled with confusion. While she was confused why _they_ didn’t understand, the boys had _no_ idea why she was so uptight about this to begin with.

“It stopped when Five left, Allison.” Luther condescended, voice dripping heavily with attitude. It was a bit weird, he never talked to Allison like this, at least not since they were children, lately he saved that for his brothers. The boys found it a bit strange at his doing so, sure, but all that did was prove that she just didn’t understand.

“Yeah and, like I said, we were all the same age.”

“We’re the same age now.” Klaus muttered, arm draping over his eyes before he pointed behind him to where Five was sitting, “old man over there was our age once.” He sits up, pulls his sunglasses down his nose, “You know, our whole shtick. We got matching tattoos about it, last I checked.”

“I can’t fucking believe any of you.”

She was standing in her Wonder Woman stance, fists on her hips with her feet hip width apart. The same one she did before she’d start fucking shit up. Whether it be at her siblings or on a mission. The boys all shared a look. None of them got it. Five put his coffee down, paper following suit, as he said, “Allison,” he didn’t get to finish, though.

“You’re supposedly twice our age so think about the situation for _six_ more seconds. Really wrap your brain around why the fuck that would be vile for them to do to you.”

“Oh it wasn’t _to_ him! It wasn’t as if he didn’t enjoy it! We were all taking turns, having fun, and getting our collective teenage rocks oft!” Klaus laughed like it was one of his offhanded jokes. “Dad told us Five was more than happy to do it ‘cause he’s the only one between us boys with a vagina! So, you know!, boy time!” He sighed, flopped his previously wavey arms down, before tacking on a, “No harm done!”

His words lingered, sat and sunk into everyone in the room worse than a bad smell. Luther’s eyes widened a bit before he looked away from Allison entirely, he could barely believe he participated in something so… so… Diego’s mouth opened and closed, not only to gasp for air but grasp at how Klaus could be wrong. He wasn’t, though, and that was…. Five’s demeanor changed the most out of the bunch. Filled to the brim with his usual haughty attitude, Five was now reduced to hiding his blushing face away.

Klaus, meanwhile, was shrinking little by little, his shoulders slumping and his eyes narrowing, “Okay now that I hear it _out loud_ I get why you’re upset.”

“None of you thought it was gross? This whole time?”

“Five’s been _gone_ this whole time, Allison.” Diego piped up, trying and hoping and failing to look more sure than he actually was, “So, you know, we didn’t… We haven’t thought about it.”

“Yeah.” Klaus nodded as realization dawned onhim, “Yeah! That’s right! It never came up until just now when Luther here—“

“Oh god.” Luther buried his head in his leather gloved hands.

“— brought it up.”

“You’re telling me,” Allison spoke slow, hoping to properly articulate her point to the idiots she shared her childhood with, “that if I wasn’t here, you all would’ve just fucked Five?”

“Okay, again, hearing it out is a bit... of a downer.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, is taking part in raping your brot—“

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Diego stood up, finally gathering what little fortitude he had against his sister, “How’s it rape if we were all thirteen? That’s all above board! It’s perfectly fine!”

Allison shook her head, mouth open, completely taken aback by these absolute fucking morons, “Let’s see Diego, is everyone in this room thirteen?”

“Tsk,” Diego rolled his eyes, “We haven’t been thirteen in like—“

“Let me. Rephrase.” Even Five looked up at Allison now. If she would rumor out loud, right now? They’d all be susceptible. “Does everyone in this room,” she pointed her finger along every dumb face, leading to the very end of the room at Five, “have the _body_ of a thirteen year old?” Her hand flapped down against her thigh, “Or is it just the brother you’d fuck if I wasn’t here?”

“Well—“

“Klaus if you say one more fucking thing about “hearing it out loud” again, I’ll rumor you to hear nothing.”

Well. That shut them up. 

“I’d love to stay but if I share any more oxygen with you clowns, I’ll...” Allison’s lips screwed up, having trouble finding a good comeback. She’d tell herself later that she was too pissed, that she couldn’t stand being around her brothers one second more. 

After her faltering, Allison storms off, leaving the boys to themselves. None of them want to look at each other. None of them want to speak. 

Well, that’s not totally true. “Okay, but like... Five’s _mind_ is sixty. How’s _that_ not the gross part?”

“All of it’s the gross part!” Luther hissed at his drunk of a brother, “Why’s that so hard for you to understand?”

“Dude, you’re the one who brought it up.” Diego shook his head, sitting back down as he pulled a knife out once more, this time feeling the metal between his fingers.

“Oh Luther here was _always_ the one to bring it up and the first in line, isn’t that right Five?”

Five isn’t looking at any of them. “Why didn’t I...” He was having his own crisis at the moment, he didn’t have time to dole out tokens, sex or otherwise, to make his brothers feel better. “How did I not see that as one more thing dad...”

None of them said a word.

Klaus stood up, it took a moment and it wasn’t graceful, before he said, “This family is already fucked in every other sense of the word. If Luther here and Allison haven’t fucked by now? That’s their loss. We all,” he circles his hand around the room, including Ben who was both wondering and hoping this whole time if ghosts could throw up, “had fun. And you know what? That’s more than we can say about any other aspect of our childhood.”

He's slipping a little in his socked feet as he’s walking away, but he finds the need to say a bit more before he leaves the room entirely, “I’d prefer to think of it like that and if that makes me a bad person? Well it’s just _one more thing_ to add to the pile!” He flourishes his hands in front of him, indicating to his poor brothers as he backs away to head god-knows-where. 

Luther mutters something about needing air, probably gonna go cry about Allison hating him, Diego thinks, which leaves him alone with his simultaneously older and younger brother.

Five’s still looking beside himself about the whole thing, much to Diego’s annoyance. Five was already an annoying person in general with his usual bratty, stuck-up, holier-than-thou behavior, sure. But that didn’t mean Diego wasn’t enjoying hanging around the kid again. Things were a bit different now that Diego was older, they seemed to get along better now then they did back in the day. Especially considering they only got along during those previously mentioned, what dad called, ”Sessions.” Diego shuddered at the word now, both draped in a filmy and flimsy nostalgia mixed with a dose of “one more way dad fucked us up” reality.

Yeah, this whole situation, he and his brothers finally getting that what happened was wrong, was fucked and all, but at least Five was finally here. Diego really did miss him a lot.

“So how fucked was it to only have that mannequin of yours when you’ve had all of us?”

Okay, yeah, maybe he should’ve thought that through before saying it aloud.

“What?” Diego watches Five try and piece himself together so he can properly school Diego in this situation, as he would if this was a normal circumstance. Diego didn’t give him a chance, “No, no, it’s okay.” Diego stands, sheathing his knives before he brushes his hands down his pants, “I remember how quiet you’d get during. Or… maybe not _quiet_ , but definitely not your usual,” he shrugs a hand towards Five’s general area, “thing.” Five’s blinking up a storm, no doubt rebooting, which leaves Diego to laugh at his own internal joke before he adds, “I mean, you guys are my siblings and I’d miss you, but I’d be lying if I didn’t miss that once you left.”

He’s walking out of the room as Five’s opening his mouth. They both know there’s nothing he can say that’ll make any of this weirdness okay, “When you get your old body back, come knocking. I’ve been known to get with old dogs like you.” It’s how he got his current living situation, obviously. He turns back once he’s nearly out of the room just to peek at Five’s reaction, he leans against the door frame for only a moment before he leaving entirely, “Bye, bro.”

Five is perfectly aware that Diego will flirt with anything that moves... in his whole time gone, well, he had forgotten that said fact also extended to himself. 

He turns to Dolores, wishing she heard none of that, knowing she’d give him hell about it later. For now she was content with just staring at him. 

“Was meeting the family everything you thought it would be?” He takes a drink of his lukewarm coffee, waiting for a response. 

She’s close to the chest about this, as per usual with these sorts of situations.

Five scoffs, shaking his head, “Well, it certainly exceeded my expectations.” 

Sounds of the midday street filter over the quiet of the room, not dissimilar enough from his time here before his stint inside the aftermath of the apocalypse.

**Author's Note:**

> me, a trans guy that sees trans people everywhere: so Five is a trans man, right?
> 
> me, has this horrible fic pop into my head: yeah that’s not what i had in mind technically but i’ll let it slide
> 
> you can follow me on my twitter [goldenganjj](https://twitter.com/goldenganjj) for fic updates and fandom nonsense


End file.
